HACCP for Congress

HACCP for Congress

December 5, 2010 

Unofficial Government News

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Announcing: HACCP for Congress

A new federal agency has been established: the Department for Healthy Legislation (DHL). As the first order of business, DHL has enacted the Healthy Legislation Act (a.k.a. Now-We-Work-For-The-People Act), which requires Congress to adopt USDA meat inspection style HACCP (Hazard Analysis Critical Control Point). Note the old legislative rulemaking process will be abandoned: no more Federal Register publication-and-comment period. As the result of extensive studies, it has been determined that those who are negatively affected by rules never like them. Like two-year-olds and teenagers, those with money and power always want more and hate being told what to do. 

Past history has seen multiple legislative failures, from drafting mistakes to poor rulemaking to lax law enforcement. A few examples of intent reversal are Country of Origin Labeling, Mandatory Price Reporting and SEC regulations. There are multiple examples with food safety laws. We worry this is at risk of making members of the general public physically sick. Addressing this hazard should be of primary focus of your HACCP plan. 

If you are familiar with USDA style HACCP, you will recognize many similarities in HACCP for Congress. Following are a few questions you should consider and a few ideas that may assist you in drafting your personal HACCP plans for healthier legislation. 

Does your HACCP plan identify the hazards to good legislation? Does the process provide for effective interventions and kill steps addressing the hazard? What tests are conducted on an ongoing basis before and after the legislative process to assure hazards are acknowledged? You must provide documentation. You are allowed to work together on addressing hazards you may have in common. This in no way reduces the requirement for your own complete HACCP plan. You will be required to train several staff people in HACCP and designate at least one plan administrator.

 The following ideas are offered for your consideration for inclusion in your plan: 

  • Congressional Intent Verification Procedure – Continuous daily monitoring of what Congress said it wanted compared to what we all got, report results to DHL Secretary, Senate and House leadership weekly, copy committee chairs and their staff who may (or may not) have direct or indirect interest.
  • Lobbyist Mouth Muzzle – (See the film Silence of the Lambs for reference.)
  • Robber Baron/Monopolist (hardened heart) Detection Scanners (converted metal detectors) – These full body scanners can be installed at the Capital, House and Senate building entryways. Robber barons and monopolists, upon detection, are immediately converted to meat packing plant workers (this equipment is really cool… patent pending) and transported by bus to low-paying jobs and trailer house communities in rural America. The film, Grapes of Wrath, will be played continuously on the bus during the trip.
  • Too Big to Fail: Break‘em-up-right-now foot wash – This technology, an antidote to the love of money, is placed in foot baths, similar to those sometimes used at USDA inspected meat plants (like the solution injected into Walmart meat, it is mostly water). Locate in the doorways of your offices. It is said to work well on the low-life companies that internalize profits while externalizing costs onto taxpayers. Early test results show mean people wanting to be nicer, even patriotic. Yearnings, such as playing with your kids, growing a garden, or having some chickens in the backyard have been reported.
  • Fleecing the Taxpayer Prevention Spray – We don’t know if this really works, but it sounds good. Might be good in DC and Wall Street lavatories. At least it appears to be an effective sanitizer and deodorizer.
  • Culprit Confessional – This is the place to confess violations in your HACCP plan, such as using your initials on a document instead of your full signature, or mistakenly not crossing a “t”, or dotting an “i.” Mothers of preschoolers have offered to hear confessions in exchange for access to real milk.
  • The Toady Trap – This enlarged rodent control device shows real promise. The bait can be almost anything from free donuts on up to whiskey, wine or wild women. Monsanto claims to have a new genetic modification in the works for toadies (boot-lickers and lackeys too). The newly discovered backbone-integrity gene, which they claim can now be inserted into the spinal DNA of an individual, will supposedly create the possibility of standing-up. Not surprisingly, they claim the integrity gene is in very short supply and has been on back order for some time (although, we think they might be holding up distribution pending some kind of patent approval).
  • Wall Streeter Lie Detection Machine – Dr. Kevorkian inspired this device. If the test is positive, administer truth serum twice daily, record usage, compare to product disappearance (guard against theft – this stuff is really expensive), and report to DHL Secretary and FDA Administrator. Copy FDA Chinese imported goods inspection officer (who occasionally inspects something). Ironically, though the Chinese are experts at lying, they also hold a monopoly on the truth serum.
  • Foxes Guarding the Hen House Prevention Plan – Count your chickens (or whatever) twice daily, record and report results to DHL, copy to all interested and disinterested parties. Be sure to copy the Save the Foxes and Kill the Chickens Society.

Remember, this is YOUR HACCP plan; because you are individually unique, you will each be required to have your own distinctly unique plan. We are not telling you how to write your HACCP plan, but we will criticize it. Furthermore, we are not responsible for the results (bad legislation, missing chickens, etc.). We only offer a few suggestions because we want to appear to be helpful and friendly. We WILL inspect your paperwork. Remember to save copies of all your reports, notes, and any other papers indefinitely (great deals are available on used Chinese shipping containers). If the paperwork fails our inspection, or if we have reason to believe you are acting in an unsafe, suspicious, or questionable manner (or cop an attitude or make bad coffee), we will issue a non-compliance report (NR) and make you eat Walmart meat. 

Guidelines for your new required Standard Operating Procedures (SOP) will be coming soon. 

Good luck! Please feel free to contact our automated phone system anytime you need assistance. If necessary, all calls will be redirected to the USDA, where we’ve been invited to join our fellow bureaucrats to Have A Cup of Coffee and Pray. 

PS: Like USDA inspection under HACCP, this news release is a hoax.

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